Hello to all of Devin's friends and family. Here's what life is like as a new mom for me. If you choose to switch places with me and live life in my shoes, be prepared for a wild time hauling around a ton of baby gear wherever you go, enduring earth-shattering screams, back-breaking manual labor lifting the baby, and being covered in spit-up. I hope you are ready. I also want to prepare you for the shock of finding out that you now are missing a good portion of your brain, as well as your ability to form full and comprehensible sentences. You will also lose much of your hair (yes, I am going bald and it sucks). I also hope you are looking forward to minor bouts of postpartum depression here and there, feeling like your marriage is about to crumble to pieces, and addiction to bad television programming.
Gone will be your days of being spontaneous, footloose and fancy-free...replaced by sleepless nights worrying about how the hell you will afford a new set of (larger sized) clothes for your new body, let alone tuition for your baby's college. You will never spend money on yourself or your appearance ever again -- and it will show. You will be moody and you will take Tylenol by the spoonful. Come dressed in a lot of black with dark rings under your eyes and stringy hair, and be prepared to snarl at people while you robotically slam down a stiff drink at 6 AM for breakfast. And of course, you will mix these drinks that get you through the day with the use of only one hand. (You will never again accomplish anything in life that requires the use of two.) Yes, this is what motherhood feels like.
If you choose to switch places with me, however, I wouldn't let you because Devin is the most exciting part of each day that I live and I wouldn't trade him for even a few steps in someone else's loafers, no matter how exotic, cushy, or fashionable the shoe. Mine fit fine as they are, and I am so lucky to be his mother.
November 7, 2005