Ten things no one told my mother about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood

1. Pregnancy doesn't last nine months -- it's actually 40 weeks, closer to ten months.
2. Pregnancy plays a cruel joke on you by making your hair grow thick and glorious, only to have it all fall out after childbirth.
3. Abstinence from alcohol doesn't last just during pregnancy, but throughout breastfeeding too -- a time in your life when you most want to be drinking.
4. Breastfeeding sucks.
5. You do not forget the birthing pains, your baby just gets cuter.
6. Crib mobiles are really only useful for three or four months, after which your baby can reach for, grab, and pull the entire thing down to come crashing on his head.
7. If you buy musical toys from the same manufacturer -- such as a mobile, a baby swing and a musical lantern from, say, Fisher Price -- they will all play exactly the same songs and this will slowly drive you insane.
8. If you forget to change the batteries in musical toys, the perky music quickly changes from soothing and peppy to eerie and weird -- kind of like how clowns and carnivals are fun and innocent when you're young, but can really creep you out when you're older.
9. Crotch extenders for onesies are a brilliant invention.
10. The most useful household item during and after pregnancy is that handheld shower nozzle -- great during pregnancy when you can't reach your feet, and perfect for hosing down the kid after his huge explosive poop.